silentwriter180's Blog

Hospital Visit 3/16/14

The last couple of days, I've been feeling a little bit of chest pain. I thought nothing of it as it was minor and would go away. But, then on Sunday, it got worse, and my ribs felt as though they were being squeezed. Sensations were running up through my arms, and I was getting really stressed. I needed to see someone. I called my husband and he rushed me up to the hospital where I checked myself into the emergency room.  They did an EKG and some blood tests, and a couple of xrays. Happy to say, nothing was found....although, there's part of me who isn't very happy with that, as I still don't know what's wrong. Doctor suggested that I may have strained myself in the way of lifting something or an odd movement...who knows. He also suggested a stress test, just to be sure. One thing I do have, though is high blood pressure. "Not too high, but something to keep an eye on." Six long hours in the hospital and that's all they could tell me. Ugh.

So, doctors instructions as I was discharged are to take it easy and don't do anything too heavy for a couple of weeks. I guess I'll just have to tolerate this pain in the meantime.

Concept of Time

The last few weeks, I have felt stressed, rushed, running out of time. Then when I look at my calendar,, I realize that it’s only February. Yet, still, I’m running out of time.  Time for what? I just don’t know.  With business picking up, I feel I have very little time to write. I’ll start a poem or a new chapter in my book, and I feel I don’t have time to finish it, so I just pack it up and put my notebook back in my bag. I try to make a pattern, but am unable to finish it, as my time runs out at the end of the day. I sit while waiting for my dinner, but then I don’t get to finish my current stitch as the food arrives. I visit with a friend, but I have no time to really enjoy his company. I have a seizure, which takes away from my energy, and by the time I’m feeling better, it’s taken up the time I could have used to finish the books. And now, I learn I have high blood pressure, and suddenly, I don’t feel I have the time to finish my goals in life. I’m about to have another grandson, will I have time to see him grow? Time…I’m losing time. But what is time? The seconds of the clock? The hours of the day? The days of the year? The years of our lives?  I want more time…

(I’m sorry, I just needed to vent a little…back to work)

My Birthday 2014

For one who makes a point of not celebrating her birthday, yesterday was a pretty good day. I usually have my husband work for me, so I don't have to deal with anyone that day, but I decided to trade him for Super Bowl Sunday instead. Very few people even know when my birthday is, so I figured the day would be quiet anyway. 

The day stared out in a very difficult sense. I woke up expecting a text from a life time best friend. Every year, he would text me, wishing me a happy birthday. He would also tell me how beautiful I am, how much I meant to him, and he'd remind me how much he loved me.  This year, the message never arrived. At first I was hurt, and began wondering if he forgot. But then I realized that he is no longer here and that those texts no longer existed. They were just a memory. I cried. 

Throughout the day, I had a couple of customers come in to try on their Drysuits. Something we do before starting all the final finishing and waterproofing if all the seams, in case I need to do any alterations. The first customer who came in knew that it was my birthday and also knew how I've been feeling. So, he walked in with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a hug. He has been a very regular customer of ours for 25 years, and a dear friend with knowledge of my health, physical and emotional, and he calls regularly just to check up on me. He's one of the very few who has a special place in my heart on a personal level. 
All went well with his fitting. And his hugs were more than welcome and appreciated!! 

The second Drysuit fitting also went well. This guy didn't know about it being my birthday, but he brought me a gift as well. It is a cricket that his mom had in her kitchen for decades before she passed away. About two and a half inches long and about an inch and a half tall. His best guess is that it is made of brass or copper. With its age, it is now a green color and fits in perfectly with the other little statues I have around my office. As I thanked him I jokingly asked him "how did you know it was my birthday?"  He laughed and said, "A little cricket told me!"  For those who don't know, my nickname is Cricket, which is what prompted his thinking that I'd have the appropriate home for his moms treasure. 

As the day progressed, I got some nice messages from others who happened to know just what day it was. I also got a surprise text from someone I hadn't heard from in a while. He didn't know, but he knew that I'd be thinking about him as we have been instrumental parts of each other's healing. He was thinking of me strongly the last few days and finally decided to text me to see how I was doing and to update me on his progress. 

I also got a nice message from my son, and spoke with my mom in the evening. And I had the chance to communicate with my best friend throughout the day. 

All in all, a good day, with some nice surprises. 

Where are you, David?

For the first time since my best friend, David, died a year and a half ago, I am not feeling his presence within me. And, to me, that's not only upsetting, in a way, it's also frightening. A 30 year friendship with promises to be here for each other, even after we're gone and he's not here. Every day I've been able to feel him with me. His presence has been with me where ever I go. On my walks, in my office, when I close my eyes and when I wake up in the morning. He's been there. Now, suddenly, he's gone. Where are you, David? I need you...

Memories of my friend, Kai

My last post was about the loss of Kai. Well, I have a little to add to that, as this weekend, his partner celebrates his life with an eventful dinner tonight in Honolulu and the spreading of his ashes at one of our favorite beaches in Makena, Maui.

Since Kai passed away, Brian and I have shared our memories of Kai, and most of all, our love for Kai. We were both able to share the position of being Kai's partner. Kai and I fell in love as he was with me after Rick was killed, and I was finally able to make Kai feel as though he could open up to me enough to tell me that he was gay, and to show him that I didn't care, that I still loved him, but wanted him to move on and be his true self. When he and Brian met, I finally saw Kai's true smile. He knew that I supported him and wanted nothing but the best for him. Brian gave him that. They both knew I was happy for them...truly happy. Sure I missed Kai, but I didn't lose him, our friendship and love continued, there was no letting go of that. We all knew that.

This weekend, we say our final goodbyes to Kai, as we release his spirits to the sea. But he will always be in my heart as one who saved me, who loved me, who wouldn't let me give up.

There's so much more I want to say, but I can't, not now. My heart hurts too much, and I am at a loss of what to say.

Especially right now, after almost losing a friend to suicide this week. WHY must this all happen at once?

The loss of my best friend, July 2, 2013

B. October 29, 1966
D. July 2, 2013

July 3, 2013

Kai was a wonderful man, a best friend, a brother, a confidant, and in ways, a lover.

I met Kai just weeks after Ricks death in a car accident. At about the same time, Kai had lost his aunt, with whom he was very close. We were both hurting and feeling very alone.

I was sitting on the step near the door of our high school theater, waiting for my ride home. The school day was over and I had some time before my mother was off work. I was tucked away in the corner with my thoughts and memories of Rick. As always, I'm sure I had a pen and pad in my hands. As I sat there, a young man came darting out of the theater door. "Hello," he sang. I looked around and saw that I was the only one there. Even he was gone. I thought nothing of it and just went back to my thoughts. A little while later, someone hurried by again, and in the same voice, sang out "hello" again. This time, I looked up fast enough to see his back as he entered the theater door. At least this time, I saw someone and knew I wasn't imagining things. A couple moments later, he came back and sat down next to me and introduced himself. He said that he'd noticed my sitting there the last couple of weeks and could tell that something was wrong. He's wanted to come sit with me. He had seen me crying and looking like I needed someone to talk to. I told him about Rick and he told me he had just lost his favorite aunt. He moved closer to me and put his arm around me. I leaned my head on his shoulder, he put his cheek on my forehead and we just sat there together and shared the tears. Although it was a difficult time for both of us, having each other there was soothing and consoling for both of us. Throughout the rest of the school year, and the following year, we were almost inseparable. To have someone there as a friend and confidant was helpful and our relationship was very special.

He had brought me into the theater to be around some of the most wonderful people I know, even today. The teacher/director was happy to have me there as well, as she was my mothers teacher some years ago. I remember the day Kai introduced us. I had asked her if she remembered my mother, by name, and without realizing who I was, she went off on a tangent, telling us of her memories of this woman I had mentioned. Then, suddenly, she stopped and said, "Wait a minute, why do you ask?" And I replied, "She's my mother." She got very excited with hopes that I would be joining the group, which also excited Kai. I expressed my concern of being on stage with my epileptic seizures, and Kai stated that there was plenty I could do without having to be on stage. And that's how I took over the task if cleaning and organizing the costume room, and working backstage. It was a great way to be involved and to spend my afternoons with Kai and the others.

As the days went by, Kai and I became closer. He knew that I wasn't ready for a full relationship, after losing Rick so tragically, but we were very special to each other. Basically best friends with benefits, just not all the benefits of most such relationships. The hugs, the kisses, and physical closeness was there, though. It was just what we both needed at the time.

I had left the island after my junior year. Kai had just graduated, as he was a year ahead of me. He was one of the very few I told that I was leaving. Although I didn't want a big fuss, somehow...and I'm sure Kai had part to do with this...others found out I was leaving and wouldn't let me leave without a 'small get together' with a few of my closest friends. But it turned out to be a bit bigger than I had expected, with the entire theater crew, and a few from our community theater as well. It actually made my leaving a little more difficult, but it gave me a chance to spend one last day with those I loved. Something I hadn't expected.

Shortly before I left, I became close with Kai's mom. She was a wonderful, loving woman, and while Kai and I lost touch for a while, she and I continued to write to each other regularly. She updated me as to what Kai was doing, and she relayed messages between us. Remaining in touch with anyone was difficult for me as I was trying to forget the hardships I had left behind. Few understood my reasons for leaving, but I shouldn't have abandoned my friends like that. I know now that it was wrong. I needed them. I should have seen that, but I couldn't. Or maybe at the time, I just didn't want to. It was a very difficult time for me.

I don't remember just how long it took for me and Kai to be in direct contact again. I believe it was shortly after his mom died. He had contacted me to let me know that she was gone. I believe he had responded to one of the letters I had sent to her. It was so good to hear his voice again. I so needed that. When I began to apologize, he said not to worry, he was just as at fault, and his mom kept him updated. He was just grateful that I had kept in touch with her, as he knew how much I meant to her during those latter years of her life. Now it was our turn to catch up, and this time, to hang on to our friendship for good. I never felt as though we'd lost what we had, as my love for Kai never ceased or lessened in any way. Our closeness remained and it was always there. There was never a break in our friendship, even though we hadn't spoken in a while, our hearts were still together, we still thought about each other frequently.

It wasn't until right before I had left that Kai was able to open up freely about being gay. I had known all along, but it wasn't up to me to bring it up. He thought it would hurt me more than I already was, something he was afraid of. But I made it clear to him that it didn't matter. It didn't change the way that I felt about him. That my love for him was always strong and would remain as such. No matter who or what he was. To me, he was the kindest, most loving person I knew. I didn't care...not that I didn't care, in the sense. I wanted him to be happy, but it didn't make any difference as to how I felt about him. I loved him for who he was personally, and for what he did for me. That's all that really mattered.

Thirteen years ago, Kai met the love of his life. I have yet to meet him and get to know him, but with what Kai has told me and the few notes we have exchanged from time to time, I can see that this man is very special and that Kai loved him dearly. I just wish I could be there with him, to wrap my arms around him and tell him how special he is to Kai and to me. I wish there was something I could say or do for him to ease the pain as Kai fought this horrible cancer for the last few years. It's just so unfair for such a wonderful couple to go through.

Kai, sweetheart, if you're listening to my thoughts as I write this, know that my love for you will always remain. That I will continue to think of you and what you've done for me and what you've given me throughout the years. I will always love Brian for what he has given you. Please give mom my love and tell her that I miss her. Be with her, and know that you are always loved.

Mothers Day 2013

Although I don't have any children of my own, Mothers Day has always been very special to me, on both ends of the spectrum. Of course, there is my mother. A wonderful woman who rescued and adopted me when I was very young, taking me to the  beautiful state of Hawaii, where she grew up. She gave me a very special life on a farm in the valleys of Maui. An incredible place to spend my childhood. She gave me her love and support voluntarily, from her heart. Something I will always be extremely grateful for. I have always wanted to find a way to pay her back for that, and was saddened by the fact that I was unable to give her grandchildren, as I was unable to bear children of my own.  But, the one thing I could do was help other children as she did me. But, instead of adopting them, I did it in another way. I became a "surrogate" mom, for lack of a better term. No, I did not  carry children for other women, as the term suggests, but I took these children under my wing, and gave them my heart. I opened my door, my home, a place that they could come to when they couldn't go home, a refuge. I gave them my ears when they needed someone to talk to. I gave them a place to sleep when things were too rough at home. I gave them my kitchen table when they needed a quite place to do their homework, and sometimes even a meal when they were hungry. I gave them use of my couch and television when they just wanted to come over and hang out. I gave them advice when they didn't know how to go about things.  I gave them a smile and a hug when they needed some love.

I do love these kids as though they were my own. They made me feel whole. I never really looked at it as though I was a parent, until one of them gave me roses and a Mothers Day card, thanking me for my love and friendship. Even one of the mothers came to me and told me that I was a second mother and that she was very happy that her son had me in his life. That's when I realized that what I was doing was instrumental in these kids lives. To this day, I have eight wonderful children and three beautiful grandchildren. And I couldn't be prouder to call these kids my children. They are definitely a part of my life, my family, and I love them all dearly as though I've brought them into this world.

May Day is Lei Day in Hawaii

One thing I remember about May 1st when I was growing up is that it was always eventful at all the schools. Full of song and dance and good feelings amongst everyone around. And for us at school, it was a sure sign that summer was right around the corner.

The elementary school I went to was pretty big with at least 100-150 kids in each of the five grades. Each grade performed one or two dances on the large lawn in the middle of the school. The parents helped with the costumes and the teachers taught us the dances. We never knew just what the other classes were doing until their performance on May Day.

Some of the parents who wanted to get involved helped us in making our costumes and leis, which were a big part of the festivities. Then, if they could, they would come attend the show.

We had plumeria trees in our yard. The plumeria is the most popular and a available flower for making leis. It is a beautiful 5-petal flower with a somewhat hollow stem that makes it easy to stick a needle through. The aroma is like a soft perfume, not too strong. We would make as many leis as we could with what we had at home and bring them to share with the others.

I am sad to say that I don't remember what we did in the intermediate or high schools for May Day. If the celebrations were just as big, or if the performances were smaller. My mind is blank. It hurts to both remember these things. I feel as though I've lost a part of my life. More of my soul, of who I am.

A Friendship That Will Never Die

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List of stories (Updated as stories are added)

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Scuba Diving Fatalities

  Last night, my husband and I were reflecting on our recent dive fatalities here in the Monterey area. He was commenting that we don't hear much about accidents or fatalities in other points of interest, such as skiing or snowboarding, unless its someone well known. I pointed out that if we lived up closer to the slopes, we probably would, in the local news, but that kind of stuff just doesn't make National news. The reason we here so much about the diving, is #1, we live in a dive community, and # 2, we're in that business, and I belong to most of the diving forums.  Well, after that discussion, I was looking through Yahoo news this morning as I normally do, and what do I find? That our latest fatality is in Yahoo's trending news, through ABC.  Amazing. We still don't know what happened or just who it was, all we know is that we lost two divers in one of our most pristine dive sites, Point Lobos. When we lose a diver here, it hits us all pretty hard as  we are a tight knit community. This time we lost two divers, partners. 

I will update this as I find out more about the situation.

My Name Change

When I first came to this site, I was introduced by a friend who knew that I was hurting. My heart & soul were in so much pain that he could see it with his own two eyes, just by looking into mine. He thought this would be a great place for me to be, as it's full of people with similar issues and others who are a great mound of support. I was skeptical, until another friend who was already here invited me to join. So here I am.  Since I've been here, I've met some wonderful people, all who have been very supportive. It's just what I've needed. And on top of that, I've made some lifelong friends.

My original choice for a name was silentwriter, but I was told that it wasn't available. So, I'm assuming that someone is already here by that name. So, I chose rubberqueen, which describes me in my work, being that I manufacture custom wetsuits & drysuits for scuba divers. But, all this time, it  just didn't really feel right, my true name in everything else I do is silentwriter. So, a friend of mine suggested that I added the 180.

When people ask about what I write, I always tell them about my autobiography that I wont publish, being that it's just for my healing; the childrens book that I'm writing and would love to someday publish; my songs, my poems; and when I get frustrated with writers block, I "turn a 180, and write erotic stories".  My friend just loves that last little phrase and suggested that I add the 180 to my name, hence 'silentwriter180'. 

I just want to thank all of you for your love & support. It means the world to me. I know I will get through these hard times. But as I've said in my latest featured story, I tend to drift when I am hurting, and I am sorry for that. I know I shouldn't, but those who know me know that it's hard for me to burden someone else with my pain. Although, since I've been here, I've been able to share some of my stories. It's been difficult, but helpful. And, I will continue to share as I can.

So, please, all I ask is that you don't give up on me.  I need you. I thank you.

Silentwriter 180  aka Rubberqueen

Where did she go?

The last few weeks have been extremely difficult for me, as I sit here in my office, trying to recollect myself, since my large seizure on July 25th. I have been struggling hard with my short time memories, and it's driving me crazy, especially here at work.  I have been trying to make a point of writing things down, but what hurts the most is not remembering faces as they come in to pick up their repairs a week after dropping them off. Or I'll get a phone call from someone who I just spoke with a couple of days ago, and I'll need to ask them to repeat everything that we had just gone over during our first phone calls. 

I feel like I am losing myself, as my sharpness disappears. I used to be able to remember what these people looked like while making their patterns shortly after measuring them, and now.....the picture is gone. I just made a pattern this morning for a guy I just measured two days ago, I look at his chart, I don't recognize his name, his body type, the colors that he picked...who is this guy? 

With this, I am frustrated, I am frightened, I am saddened, I am angry.  My heart hurts.

I just want to close my office door, crawl under my desk, and hide from the world. 

Where am I? Why is this happening to me? I feel like I'm losing my life....again.

Lurch the Scientist on Morphine

Lurch the Scientist on Morphine

This is so funny, I just had to share it.  So, a couple of weeks ago, I got a phone call from a guy asking about a custom wetsuit. Now, this was no ordinary phone call, but one full of yakety yak yak!  Before I could answer his questions, he'd start telling me these stories about his history. Such as being shot six times while serving in Vietnam, and being one of the first scientific divers, diving down to 600 feet, and then he'd go off into a tangent about politics and such.  So, this phone call that would have taken about 15 minutes with a normal customer actually took almost an hour (maybe more, I don't remember)

So, yesterday, he comes in to get measured. He's about 6'2, walking on a cane. And again, on his tangents.  I tried to be patient with him as he just kept on going while I was measuring him. He went on, boasting about his days of fighting, his days of diving, what he used to wear, where he'd go, etc.  Then he tells me that he hasn't dove in over 30 years, and he wants to get back into it. When I suggested he take a refresher course, he responds with, "Oh, I don't need to do that, I'm an instructor."  Who am I to argue.  Then he has these pain spasms, right in front of me. I thought the guy was going to fall over on me!!  I told him to go sit down. "No hurry," I said. 

He went to sit down, and his female friend he brought along with him (must have been in her 80's) starts asking me about my religious beliefs.  I very politely said that I don't speak religion or politics with anyone, that it was a personal thing.  She just smiled at me, raised her hand and said, "Relationships. That's what it's all about, relationships, and that's all I'm going to say."  She folded her arms in front of her and just about fell asleep in front of me leaning on my drafting table. 

So he came back to the office to write me a check for the deposit, and goes off in a tangent once more.  I just sat here for the next hour listening to this guy preach about his past and his days as a scientific diver and a fighter, along with his spasms of pain.  OMG!!!

She later looked at her watch, and saw that I'm supposed to close at five, it's now ten after, so she coaxes him to go. He gets one foot out the door, and comes back with something else. There was no finishing!! Finally, they left, and I hung out for a little while before I left, hoping they'd be gone as I left, but know they were sitting there in the car, eating. Luckily, they just waved goodbye. And I left.

So, I'm sitting at the bar with a friend, feeling so exhausted and drained. My friend who had come in after me could see that and he left me alone for a few minutes to regain myself. Then he very quietly and jokingly asked if I wanted a shot.  I could see he was smiling.  I looked at him seriously and said, "I could really use one!" and his smile became a serious look, as he has never heard me reply that way.  Mind you, I don't drink at all. When I go to the bar, I'm on cola.  These people have never seen me drink alcohol...AT ALL!!  So, the bartender looked at me, smiling, asking what I wanted. And I told him, I would really love one of these drinks I had in Mexico called the Rumba. It was a very sweet, fresh fruit drink, with a bit of rum in it.  So, the bartender turns around, looks over his alcohol collection, and starts making this drink. Tastes it, and sets it in front of me, and tells me to let him know what I think.  Oh, man, I was in heaven!!! My friend sitting next to me just about fainted!!!

In the meantime, my husband arrives at the office to park the truck and come down to join me. He arrived there at six, I didn't see him until seven. Guess who he was with.  Yep, that guy was still in the parking lot, eating a bag of fresh cherries. And as Jeff gets out of the truck, this guy is telling him how much he admires all the rust on the truck!!  Then he goes off, on a tangent, telling Jeff the stuff that he was telling me!!  So, when Jeff gets to the bar, he walks in announcing that he had just spent the hour with "Lurch the Scientist". It took me a few seconds until I realized just who he was talking about. And we just busted up laughing. And my friend who was sitting on the other side of Jeff now, pointed to me and what I was drinking, and said, "Look, he drove your wife to drink!!"  Yeah, I'll say Jeff was just a little shocked!!  lol

The rest of the evening was conversation about this guy and his stories and his new nickname "Lurch the Scientist on Morphine"

Yikes!!  I'll be seeing him in about six weeks when he comes in to try on his suit!!  Be ready to make me another Rumba, Charles!!

Fathers Day

First of all, and most importantly, may I say Happy Fathers Day to all of you. Whether you have children or not, in some way, each one of you is a fatherly figure to someone along the way, whether it be a child of your own, a friends child, a niece, a nephew, or even a pet, for that matter. So, I always wish everyone a Happy Fathers Day.  My husband and I don't have children, but we have our pets, and we have who we call our surrogate children. Those kids who we helped grow throughout their lives when they needed a little extra TLC. They are most precious to us, and always will be. 

Personally, I have a total of seven fathers, but none who I can truly call "Dad", except for my father in law, as he's the only one who has truly taken me under his wings and loved me like his own daughter.  I couldn't be more grateful to him for the love and admiration he has shared with me through the last 24 years of my marriage to his son.  He will always be Dad.  

From my biological side, I have three fathers. There's my biological father, for whom all I have is a name. I know nothing more about him.  While my mother was in the hospital, a friend of hers was having a child as well. We were born just a day apart, and we always considered each other sisters. Her father was nice enough to put his name on my birth certificate, to show that I had a father. So, to me, he will always be my first father.   Then there was the man that my mother had married years later. He was a bit whacked out, and their relationship was too hard to explain. I could never get close to him.

On my adopted side, I have the father I met when I was three, and moved to Hawaii with. He and I just recently regained touch, and are frequently on the phone.  Then there is the father I grew up with through my adolescence and young teens. He is the father of the older two of my three sisters.  There were times in which we were close, and times in which I didn't even know him. He drank a lot, which saddened and frightened me.  Then, there is the man that Mom is married to now. The father of my youngest sister. He's a good man, and it pleases me to finally see Mom with someone who is stable.

I have never been able to call any of these people Dad, as it just didn't feel right. Not to my heart. At least not until I met my husband's dad. He greeted me with open arms and love, and didn't ever see me as a burden. He was happy to see me in the family and has always loved me as his own. And that means a lot to me. More than I will ever be able to tell him. He is a true Dad.

So, to all the true Dad's out there, I wish a Happy Fathers' Day. You are all loved & appreciated!

David (b. April 24, 1968; d. May 24, 2012)

When I first met David, I was new to the area, and not very open about myself or where I had been, who I was or how I was feeling. As we became friends and got to know each other better, I somehow felt as though I could open up to him. He was very kind, loving, compassionate and willing to open his heart to mine. Neither of us were ready for a full on relationship and we knew it, but we knew that we needed each  other, that we couldn't make it in life without each other. We were very much a part of each other. Our kindred spirits were one in the same.

We met as we were working at the wax museum. It was my first paying job when I moved here to Monterey. The woman I worked with in theater was offered the job. She was too busy with other projects, so she introduced me to the owners and gave me a wonderful reference. I had worked in theater costumes for four years and it was one of my passions.

David was hired as a sets designer, and we clicked the day we met. We worked closely until the project was complete. Not only as friends, but as partners in designing our projects. I could have easily fallen in love with him, but it was way too soon for me after Rick had died, and he understood that. I am sure he was in love with me. We agreed that we would remain as close friends, to allow the other to be there for the other in any/all venues possible. At first, I hesitated, but there was something that told me that I needed him and to remain close.

The job was finished in about eighth months and everyone went their separate ways. David and I promised to keep in touch. The rest of us remained in touch for a few months and slowly dwindled off, but David and I remained tight.

Even after I had gotten married and he found a girlfriend, our bond was still as strong as can be. There was noting that could tear us apart. There were years we hadn't seen each other as he'd moved to the bay area, but we always kept in touch, and were very much a part of each other.

David knew my deepest, darkest secrets. He knew everything good and everything bad about me. He knew things about me that I didn't even know. He knew just how to get under my skin. I don't think there was anything he didn't know. There were times that he would text and he somehow knew what I was thinking, how I was feeling. He was one of the very few people who could make me smile when I was in my deepest of tears. Even when I wasn't, he made me feel good about myself and encouraged me in everything I did. My writing, my business, my health issues, my quilting, everything that was important to me. He was a true friend, a confidant, a brother, and sometimes a lover. Not in the sexual sense, but he held me, kissed me, and cuddled me when I was feeling lonely. Something I would never expect from anyone else.

I wrote to him twice during his last day, or at least what I think was his last day. I am thinking, though that  he didn't see those two emails. I got an email from his girlfriend saying he was gone. That she had taken him to the hospital that morning and he had died later that morning. He should have gone to the hospital the night before as he was feeling chest pains, but he refused and went to bed. The next morning he could barely move, so she called an ambulance. They couldn't save him. He was gone. She emailed me at work with the news. There wasn't anything I could say to make things better except offer my support. She knows I'm here for her and always will be. She went up to Oregon to be with her mom, not sure if she'll ever be back again. Such a big loss for both of us  He will always be a part of our lives and hearts.

Life & Death

It amazes me how the births and deaths in my life happen at about the same time.  Last week, I had lost a very dear friend of mine, and yesterday, my third grandson was born. And today, although, I did not know her personally, Pentupfreedom announced the death of one of his dear friends, here on EP. It just feels like so much is happening with in our family all at once.   The last time a friend of had a baby, I had lost a very dear customer and friend on the very same day.  It just  all seems to happen on the same day or within days of each other. Then, there's a quiet spell between events again.  A friend of mine is having twins in a couple of months, makes me wonder, just who I'm going to lose when they are born, and am I losing two people, or just one? 

Mother's Day

I just got a reminder that Mothers Day is next weekend. Mother's Day has always been a bit awkward for me in a number of ways.  Having been adopted, I have two mothers. My biological mother who had me when she was a teenager, and was far from ready to have any children. I met my adopted mother when I was three, and she took me to Hawaii with her and her new husband and gave me a new life in the islands. I was legally adopted when I was seven. Throughout the years, I had kept in touch with my biological family, which included phone calls, letters and summer visits.  When I was going through high school, I had a very difficult time with a number of things, including a very traumatic loss of my high school sweetheart. It made it very difficult for me to stay on the island, having to daily see the mountain side on which his life was taken. So, I was invited to come back to California and spend my senior year with my biological family.  During the senior year, I got to know my biological mother a bit better, and there were just some things I didn't like. Mostly the fact that I felt like I had to mother her. It just wasn't right. She was an alcoholic, and I wasn't comfortable with that.  I tried to live with my grandparents after graduation, and still it just wasn't right. Luckily, I had met my husband shortly thereafter, and we moved in together. I had the opportunity to meet his mother only once before she passed away of cancer. I so wished we had more time together.

At this point in my life, I have cut my ties to my biological family as much as I could. My mother is completely out, but I see my grandparents occasionally when they come to see me at work, but  I don't make the effort to see them. I can't it's too painful for me.  My adopted mother is still very much a part of my life and always will be. She has given me so much support and love over the years as though I was her own child, and that means the world to me. She will always be my mom.  

Unable to have my own children, I have a few "surrogates" who I love dearly as my own. Kids who needed a little extra guidance along the way, someone to talk to, someone to lean on. I don't always here from them on Mother's Day, but that's alright, they have their own mothers to visit and to call. Occasionally, they will remember to send me flowers or a card, or even just come and give me a hug. And that's what makes it all worthwhile.  Will I see any of them this year, who knows, but they are always in my heart, and they know that I love them. I will call my adopted mother and wish her a Happy Mother's Day, then I will go to Point Pinos, where my mother in law's ashes were spread and I will say hello to her, as I know she's with us in heart.

For all of you out there, I wish you a Happy Mothers Day, with love.

Fear of Memory Loss

For many years, I have been suffering memory loss. Mainly my long term memories. I have a feeling it has something to do with the medications I've been on for my epilepsy. A lot of it was important stuff like meeting my husband or even the day we got married, or my sister's being born and growing up. You know, the stuff that you'd want to hang on to and hold in your heart. Over the last few years, I've been getting some of those memories back, with the help of family and friends. So, I have been diligently writing about what I remember, as I remember them. Some good, some  bad, some things I want to hold dear, some things I had hoped to completely forget.

The last week or so, as I work on different projects and get ready to do my taxes, I have come across many things that I thought I have done, but didn't. Okay, so I'm getting busy businesswise, but still, that's no excuse to not send of my sisters birthday card. As I thought more about it the last couple of days, I realized that my short term memories are now starting to go. I couldn't even remember what I had for dinner the night before. I remember one morning I woke up and couldn't remember my husband's name as he laid there next to me. I was working on a pattern last week, and I stood there for a while, not remembering just where to start. 

I must admit, it's beginning to scare me. I quietly cried all through the night last night, not sure I'm ready to tell my husband about this.  Of course, next time I see my neurologist, I'll discuss it if this continues. But for now, I sit here terrified of whats next.  I cannot control the tears that now fall. 

Purple Day

Every year, on March 26th, I, along with other epileptics in this world celebrate Purple Day, officially known as the Global Day of Epilepsy Awareness.  The day was founded in 2008 by a nine year old girl, Cassidy Megan of Nova Scotia, Canada with the help of their epilepsy association.  The international color is purple, or more specifically, lavendar, with is also associated with solitude or the feelings of isolation, when is how a lot of us with epilepsy and seizure disorders often feel.  Cassidy's goal in creating Purple Day was basically to let epileptics around the world that no, we are not alone. 

Personally, I have had epilepsy since I was ten years old. I remember sitting in class and suddenly I'd be feeling these awkward feelings of dizziness, lack of awareness, and the inability to communicate with the others around me. To me, it was very frightening. I would try to say something, but nothing would come out. It's almost like I had lost my voice suddenly.  I would just put my head down and cry.

There was very little awareness back then, and sometimes, I would be accused of faking something, just to get out of a test or out of the classroom.  Seconds later, I'd be fine, and I'd get yelled at for trying to pull something off. It was horrible.  The one thing that was most frustrating was that all the medical tests I had been through showed nothing, so doctors didn't know what to do, what to give me for medications.

Today, thank goodness, there is more awareness. And, even though things still don't make sense, at least we are being recognized and not shunned. Today's students don't have to go through the pain that I did, and still suffer from today.  I try to help spread the word as much as I can, and get all my friends involved with Purple Day every year. To wear something Purple to show their support and that they know that we are here.  The number of emails I got in return were phenomenal and very encouraging & supportive. The numbers of those wearing a purple shirt, a pin, or even just a ribbon to represent our cause grows every year. It is very heartwarming to have friends who want to help support us.

For more information about Purple Day, please visit, and be sure to mark next years calendars March 26th, Purple Day.

1-20 of 32 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Hospital Visit 3/16/14, posted March 17th, 2014
Concept of Time, posted February 18th, 2014, 1 comment
My Birthday 2014, posted January 12th, 2014, 1 comment
Where are you, David?, posted December 15th, 2013
Memories of my friend, Kai, posted October 25th, 2013
The loss of my best friend, July 2, 2013, posted July 7th, 2013, 1 comment
Mothers Day 2013, posted May 12th, 2013
May Day is Lei Day in Hawaii, posted May 1st, 2013
A Friendship That Will Never Die, posted March 29th, 2013
List of stories (Updated as stories are added), posted March 4th, 2013
Scuba Diving Fatalities, posted February 24th, 2013
My Name Change, posted August 29th, 2012, 2 comments
Where did she go?, posted August 19th, 2012, 2 comments
Lurch the Scientist on Morphine, posted July 3rd, 2012
Fathers Day, posted June 17th, 2012
David (b. April 24, 1968; d. May 24, 2012), posted June 10th, 2012
Life & Death, posted June 4th, 2012
Mother's Day, posted May 8th, 2012
Fear of Memory Loss, posted April 16th, 2012, 4 comments
Purple Day, posted March 29th, 2012
Here comes the rain, posted March 13th, 2012, 2 comments
Yesterday's a memory, posted March 10th, 2012
Dreams & nightmares, posted March 4th, 2012, 1 comment
Feb 25, 2010 Approaching, posted February 25th, 2012
Feb 21. 2012 A day of mixed emotions, posted February 21st, 2012, 2 comments
Feb 19, 2012 Presidents Day weekend, posted February 18th, 2012
Feb 4, 2012 An Apprentice, posted February 4th, 2012
Jan 29, 2012 The Hardest Part About My Job, posted January 29th, 2012
Jan 28, 2012-My Children, posted January 28th, 2012
January 21, 2012...My Father, posted January 21st, 2012
January 4, 2012, posted January 14th, 2012
New Years 2012, posted January 10th, 2012, 1 comment
Writing untill it hurts, posted January 3rd, 2012
A Blog!!!, posted January 2nd, 2012

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